Link to the audio version of this post is HERE
I just stumbled across a nature channel on YouTube called Casual Geographic, so I’ve been watching a lot of nature videos lately. And as we’re now firmly in spooky season, I thought we could ease into it with a little creature feature that shows off just how terrifying nature can be (but in a funny way). I’ll be honest, the state of the world has me on such an edge, it’s been a little more difficult for me to engage with media that intends to keep you on edge because I’m already there. Sometimes adding Get Out to the mix doesn’t help things, even if it is a horror masterpiece (and if you haven’t seen that yet, go watch it after this). So this year’s spooky season won’t be quite as spooky as usual, as I’ll be trying to explore more aspects of the umbrella of horror movies. For now, stay out of the water (and off the surrounding shoreline); let’s get into the 1997 cult classic Lake Placid. I don’t know if it actually is a cult classic, but if it’s not, it really should be.
Okay, so Lake Placid is hardly a documentary and it’s not exactly going to give you the same chills as Jaws or Jurassic Park did, and trust me, based on those videos I’ve been watching, nature doesn’t really need a helping hand to up the stakes. There’s plenty scary stuff out there in nature and I’m talking more than just people who don’t clean up after their dogs. Nature is plenty terrifying on its own, but nonetheless, we’ve got a movie about a giant crocodile that starts chomping up the local population around Black Lake, a lake colloquially known as Lake Placid up in Maine. And for some reason, a paleontologist is needed. There’s some talk about strange, almost dinosaur-like teeth being found in the victims, but coming just two years after Jurassic Park’s first sequel, it was probably just an excuse to get the word “paleontologist” into the trailer. Don’t worry though, the absurdity is a feature, not a bug.
Sheriff Hank Keough doesn’t seem too pleased to see her, scoffing at her very presence. Played by the legendary Brendan Gleeson (In Bruges, The Banshees of Inishiren, other movies that don’t have Colin Farrell in them), Sheriff Hank is happy to beef with anything that moves and Kelly is no different. In fact, she gets resistance from just about everyone as soon as she arrives, but especially from Fish and Game officer President Bill Pullman (Independence Day, Spaceballs) aka Jack Wells. It’s so very 90s rom-com coded, it’s almost like she’s been sent in by corporate to close down his bookshop before they fall in love over email (or whatever the plot of that movie was, I’ve never seen it). Jack even makes a reference to Emily Post, the queen of etiquette, who is not someone you expect a Fish and Game officer in rural Maine to even know about, let alone talk about in casual conversation. Hell, the only reason I know Emily Post is because I’m a huge nerd who doesn’t go outside and rather listens to etiquette podcasts (thank you Shmanners!). Ironically, as intended, Kelly ends up being the fish out of water in the wilderness. I’m the same way and when she proclaims that she thought camping meant a stay at the Ramada Inn and not tents on the banks of a muddy river, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more seen by a white girl in a movie. Unexpected outcome of a Lake Placid rewatch.
News of the strange crocodile attack seems to have filtered out through pockets of the wildlife community, because eccentric, crocodile-loving Hector Cyr, played by Oliver Platt (The West Wing, The Bear) has caught wind of the rumors of the giant creature and he wants in. I’m not sure if he’s expressly described as a billionaire, as back in 1999, a million dollars was still a lot of money and not just a down payment on a fixer-upper or 50 gallons of diesel, so being a millionaire was still culturally impressive. If the movie were made today, Hector would probably be some tech billionaire, but here, he’s just a rich weirdo with a helicopter and an obsession with crocodiles, elevating them to earthly gods in his mind. The helicopter is important too, that’s going to come up a lot. He moves in with his money and his high tech gear and hijacks the investigation, adding a great deal of unprofessionalism and comedy to the proceedings. And guess what? Sheriff Hank doesn’t like him. I’m telling you, the guy could have beef with a plain sheet of paper.
The gender dynamics are very 90s and there’s a surprising amount of body shaming between Hector and Sheriff Hank, but overall, most of what you see and hear is largely innocuous. As I mentioned before, going back to older movies can often be a minefield when it comes to how they reflect cultural norms at the time (go back and watch Three Days of the Condor and tell me that the subplot with Faye Dunaway doesn’t make your skin crawl). But compared to the average Shane Gillis appearance, Lake Placid is practically a feminist icon. Okay, I wouldn’t go that far, but the point is, as dated as some of the dynamics are between characters, Shane Gillis still sucks and is not funny.
This movie is, though. It’s probably too funny; if you’re looking for a proper scare, then Lake Placid isn’t for you. And despite its lackluster critical reception, rocking a 47% on Rotten Tomatoes and an even worse audience score, there’s a movie in here. What should give you tonal whiplash plays well as comic relief because of how talented this cast is. Just taking Platt and Gleeson into account, you have two excellent, pedigreed actors to anchor the film’s script and then there’s Bill Pullman. The Independence Day speech? Come on, the man has screen presence and lots of chemistry with Bridget Fonda. If Sheriff Hank can start a bitter feud with a white sheet of paper, by contrast, Bill Pullman can charm it. And Bridget Fonda’s turn as Kelly is excellent as well; she’s consistently written and well acted, with Fonda’s performance lending a credibility to what is an objectively silly movie. Punctuating this film’s few somber moments with physical comedy and then a scene of great violence just works somehow when you have actors that are this good. Sure, most of the movie is them going into the water, bickering, and then an attack occurs. Rinse (sometimes literally), repeat, get back into it. It’s not original. It’s not even all that spooky. It just doesn’t matter that the movie doesn’t really accomplish what it sets out to do.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like this movie doesn’t have some thrills. The crocodile is a massive monster and truly the thing of nightmares; but pretty much any crocodile is a prehistoric killing machine that haunts the collective unconscious. So even though this one is supernaturally large, even smaller ones are pretty damn scary. They are literally designed by evolution to glide through the water almost silently, which is fairly handy for an ambush predator. And running in zigzags? Whoever told you that is on Team Crocodile (or Team Alligator; I know there’s a difference, but if I ever see either in the wild, I’m not moving in for a closer look to confirm the taxonomy). They will chase you straight down and they are generally faster than we are; start zigging and zagging and you’re going to get chomped. But if you go into Lake Placid expecting a Jaws-like creature feature that makes you afraid to go into the water, that’s not this.
It occurred to me as I watched the movie this time, that even though it looks like a horror movie, what happens in the film and how it happens doesn’t really match what it says on the tin. And I think that contributed to its low critical and audience reception. I can’t argue it’s a masterpiece, but for me, Lake Placid sits in that 2 Fast 2 Furious category of campy, cheesy, bad movies that are actually really fun to watch. And this one? Well, you’re going to be best served by treating it as a rom-com, or a rom-com-croc-dram (that’s going to be difficult to say in the audio version of this). Fish out of water paleontologist from the big city gets sent to rural Maine and finds herself a snarky and charming local Fish and Game officer with glorious hair and an easy smile and a few people get their heads bitten off in the background. That’s just life. If she were a single woman trying to figure out if she could have it all before ultimately deciding that what she really needed was a hunky man in a flannel who could do work around the house, it would be a Hallmark movie. And that’s not a criticism of Lake Placid (though it is a criticism of Hallmark movies; don’t watch those).
Lake Placid may not be a proper horror movie, but it’s funny, fun, and frankly, way more family friendly than the R-rating would suggest. And here’s where you find out I buried the lede a little: Betty White is in this. It’s a small role, but Rose from Golden Girls packs a huge comedic punch in her few scenes and maybe says the most vulgar thing in the movie that I can remember and it’s still plenty tame. IMDB insists there are several uses of the F word, but I can’t remember a single instance (which may say more about me than I’d like to admit), instances of blasphemy (which makes me wonder who’s writing IMDB’s Parents’ Guide), and a “severe” amount of violence and gore. I have to imagine this is with 1999 sensibilities, because the period-CGI is hardly realistic enough to make you retch and it’s way less gory than a commercial for The Walking Dead. And there’s basically no sex or nudity in the film either, if that’s something that you’re concerned about. As I’ve stated many times before, I’m not a parent, but if you have older kids who can handle a couple of CGI animal attacks, this one isn’t the worst film for a family movie night. If you like a few thrills with your rom-com fun, there’s kind of something here for everyone. It’s B-movie material, but it’s a great time. Rated a (very soft) R, it comes in at a breezy 88 minutes and is available to stream on Netflix. If you need a marginally spooky break from spooky season (and this time I mean the midterms and not Halloween), you could think of worse ways to spend near as makes no difference to an hour and a half.
